How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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