smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize