Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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