I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
