70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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