I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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