Who wears a wallet chain?!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The struggles of a small town man whore
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize