I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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