i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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