I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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