first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
