meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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