make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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