Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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