When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
