My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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