After last night, I could never be a politician.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
