i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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