She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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