I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize