My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
