Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
