My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
