Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
