I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
