If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
