you guys were way drunker than both of me
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize