we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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