I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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