the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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