I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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