He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
sarcasm needs its own font
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
