I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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