Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
