if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
