I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just had sex on a roof
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
