Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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