I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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