I wish my penis had an off switch
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
