she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
