what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize