Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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