You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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