would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
