i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
