I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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