he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
