I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
