Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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