a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
