So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
