Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
