I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
