Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
