I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ketchup is God's man juice
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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