When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
