Where did you get a picture of my penis
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
