i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
